January26,2007
see me happy??guess not but i am fine..i felt something i thought i would never feel though.after feeling all the mess after all the stuff i had done..i am ashamed...i couldn't make it any longer to see them try hard to adjust and understand me.i never knew that was cos of love...i didn't feel so for i was in the darkness. was so down to earth..and here come someone saying things which really are true..i was trying to runaway from the truth of my being unusual..i cut myself,i act like dead,i do everything near death..i was near it but i was pulled off...now i felt wow what was i thinking..there are a lot i my mind that i couldn't show i couldn't tell...i don't know why,i was so afraid that it would turn wrong again..i don't wanna make the same mistakes again.i don't deserve to be happy for i am a mess..i blame myself for everything..so i feel unusual for i am so lonely i guess.....NOW..i have a life to see right through..i need to be occupied for sure..i guess..i wanna be normal..i hate being misunderstood..i am sick of fears..all this time i was all the time afraid of doing same thing again and again...Am tired of it..NOW its over..time to open and learn a new thing..i am sick of my life now that way..now i may still be the loner one but i gotta work to be on in my life and to be feeling good and cool...now its done...thanks for the person who cared..my mom..that i thought she was all mad at me for my being but now i found out..she has understood me..i loved her deep in me but she just cant see for i couldn't show..i am the kind\d that doest show off feelings but hide them..i tried to show More of it..but it wet out wrong way...now seeing through this words in my blog..anyone Reading me..thank you,,...

shame

january 25,2007

i couldn't be such so good about myself....

I am ashamed for i never did any good to anyone but just me myself for fun that i thought the only way i can do..i dream of being dead for i am ashamed of everything.i am sick of it now.i cant hold it for too long anymore.i cant live like this messing up trying to good one but always a mess.i give a lot mess to everyone..i deserved dieing.i could make up for myself i don't know why..showing the truth i just run away from my mess,i try to hide the pain searching for a light.now i am ashamed for i wasn't so good for them even if they do good to me.

i am sick of feeling the conscience yet i never ever worked o it.i wanted to be me trying to feel as normal as other people are but i was wrong being normal for i am a mess.i couldn't show how sorry i was for I'm ashamed,i couldn't show how i love them but i just feel.i am afraid if i talk and say things in me i am afraid to hear them say that's bad thing you've been bad,for i know it is true i did lot bad things where i couldn't do anything much right..i am afraid of opening all of me for i ca never and i can't be the one they say they advice i cant make it to what they say ad try to express in me..i was just so sorry for i had this thing to grow but it just had to..it had grown up with me...

since i was a kid this is how i felt.so all this time i am afraid and afraid grew to the things i did that are wrong now it led to shame..i wanna die to be free from this so they wot have any problem of what i do anymore for i will be gone..i am just SORRY.

the day i tried....

janary 20,2007

questions appear un answered in me..more of it..i feel so alone that it is like oh what am i in this world...the world i never thought i grow on and own doig things again and again..i do the same mistakes agai and again..i dont know why..i cant stop it,..i guess this meant something for me to change for a new life..well pretty hard enough but em trying too.now people seem so awkward in me,saying you are bad you a not worth it ,the greatest mistake i their kives..well hell i am a greatest disaster of all.my ears are sick of hearing lots of words like this..and i am tired of being in it.tired of life tired of everything..they hated me well i hate them all too.in this blog i know someone hopfully reads this will yah tell me why??or if yor someone like me whose got that feeling hope we can relate too...

eyes cant lie

trying to have a worth

but still i'm just none

i hate my reflection

i hate the way i'm lonely

and everythings so unfair

i hate the wa i live

i hurt myself to feel the ase and fun of living

i love walking in therain cos nobody sees i am crying

love is the slowest form of suicide

my heart still bleed for you

i am so broken,so cut in peices

i know you dont love me so why em i even trying

fall out boy

i'm crying inside ad nobody knows it but me

will you love me

if i die tommorro wold you even care?

hope somebody gona realise i am doing this for him

i still have enough room to tell you

how much i loved you with 200 sheets of paper

notice me alone

i dare you to care ,i dare you to trust me

i dare you to love me,are you up to it?

how could the one i gave my heart break my heart so bad

the eyes can tell us

the eyes cant tell you lies

i am a human too...

pain

jan.11,2007

-pain-

i cry a lot but nobody sees my tears

i bleed a lot but nobody sees my blood flow

i love being alone cos nobody cares

i feel all the thigs i do for no one feels it

i am so deeply cut into peices knowing this is what i am

tryig to be the on that someday someone would take and love

all this freaking times i have messed up

people always say i am bad

i am bad for i only do lot of screw thigs

they just see the mistakes i do

th mess that everytim i try to stay away from it

i just feel it

the pain that deeply cut me into peices

the pain that grew larger as i grow

when will i just be me?

i dont have the fault of beig like this

i am just me

it just makes a lot harder that people see me as screwed life

i am just me tryig to show the me in my way

not their way NO PRETENTIONS..

if only they would listen.

pain still remains...

tears

dec 22,2007

the night i tried to survive but it wasnt enough.Everyone hated me for who i am,for what i am.I dot know what seemed to be wrong.I admit i did have all the but not with the intentions.Nobody tries to listen and understand.Feeling the emptyness the loosing grip i had the night i nearly died...taking the pain through bleeding gives me joy...was the only way i made it till the end that i still manage to take th risk and stay alive.Evryone would not care or no one would not care of my presence for they wanted me to be gone..till the end still waitig the time someone would listen to me ...